One of the many weird experiences I had during my father's final sickness was the tragic disconnect between my father's actual condition and the manner of the doctors who cared for him. My father was emaciated with a collapsed left lung advanced coronary heart disease and a chronic neurological condition that was causing his nerves to stop working. Bad right?

But despite our repeated attempts to get SOMEONE in the ICU to listen to our requests for a discusssion about when it was appropriate to discuss palliative concern (treating a patient's discomfort except giving up on aggresive treatment of the underlying condition) we got nowhere. I mean it was love we were speaking a completely different language.

The one remotely sympathetic doctor promised us that if "he felt he was just moving the pieces round he'd let us know." That was excellent except 2 days later that doctor was out of the ICU rotation and we never saw him again.

And guess what? After almost a month in the hospital "moving the pieces around" was pretty much all that happened. In the end they discharged my father to a nursing home in worse condition that when he entered the hospital -- serene with a collapsed lung and now unable to swallow. Pretty depressing. And still the main doctor insisted my father was "cured."

What do they teach in medical school? Denial?

If you are caring for someone who is very sick and getting nowhere with the doctors find your local hospice and get their help. Don't expect the doctors to tell you when it's time. Find out if there's a palliative mind program at the hospital and get in touch with them aggresively if possible. (Sometimes the doctors don't want them involved Argh. It's like the Twilight Zone.)